Snow

So far today, I have been taking it one day at a time.  It is so cold and snowy outside, it is crazy.  I think that the snow is pretty for a day or two, then I am ready to have it go away.  I know that it happens every year, but getting everyone sick is just rediculous.  I am so sick of taking care of sick people.  I just want to move somewhere warmer.

With that being said, I know that it does not mean that it is going to stop being so cold if we move anywhere, it is just something that I look at and think it could be possible, right?  I know that snow is a good thing, and that there is a reason for everything.  I just look at just how cold it is.  How much snow we have.  How I have to keep my children locked up in the house, because of the wind chill.  It is not a good situation.

I am also praying for all of the little kids in my neighborhood, and all over that have to walk to school in this weather.  There are not school buses because of the lack of money in the system.  Therefore, they have to walk because most parents can't take them- for what ever reason- maybe because they have to work.  It is so cold, that letting my dog out, I freeze.  I can not imagine being a child and having to walk to school in this weather.

I have alot of elderly neighbors who do not shovel the sidewalk, so they either have to walk trough the snow which is about waste deep for a child, or they have to walk in the street which is not safe with the traffic, and the fact that the roads are not completely cleared so they have people slipping and sliding everywhere.

I know that some of the elderly in the neighborhood have had getting out to shovel.  It is very high, and heavy, if they go out to shovel, which about half of them will...  They are putting their lives at risk.

Snow is beautiful and so dangerous!

Surgery

I know that there is a reason for everything.  The problem that I have is the fact that I am struggling understanding why, when I have been so healthy, I am now being hit with so many different health problems.  I understand that most of the problems have to do with my weight.  The question that I have, is how to lose all of this extra weight.

I hate being bigger, and I wish that there was something that I can do about it and finally lose the weight and get back to a normal size.  I hope and pray to keep strong during this process.  I know that one of the biggest virtues that I am lacking is patience.  I see that with my children, I see that with my husband, and I see it in the hundreds of failed attempts to lose weight.  I get frustrated by the lack of results, and basically start to give up.

Here is a picture of me from my honey moon almost 7 years ago!

Yes I thought that I was fat, but looking at this picture, I looked good.

Here is a picture of me from New Years Day this year

Other than the hair color there is a big difference, over 100 lb difference.  I need to do something about this, but every year so far I have said that I am going to do something about it, and end up gaining more weight.  How is 2009 going to be different?

I know that one of the ways is the fact that I will have these surgeries that I know will help.  I am also working on setting up some good habits, that hopefully will become life long habits.  

I want to lose the weight, but I have wanted that in the past.  I want to feel good, and again I have wanted that in the past.  How can I change everything and become my old size again?

Finding Yourself

Looking around there is so much that I see.  I like to observe others.  I hate hurting others, yet I have let others run me over and not take care of myself.  This is not a good feeling.  I know that there has to be something that I can do to change my life around.

I know that I need to find a way to stick up for myself with out taking away the true me.  I know that is not going to be easy.  I have always had people running over me and that is something that has caused me to have many difficult years.

Now it is the time to change my life.  Now is the time for me to finally realize that I deserve so much more.  I am a good person, and through prayer I have seen that.  I deserve to be treated well, I just have to believe that I am the person that I say I am.

I know that changing my life needs to start with me.  I need to start with what I am doing.  I have started taking care of myself.  I am exercising, and eating right.  That is the first and most important step that I need to take to change my life.

The time is now to change your life, if you are not happy, what is stopping you?

Remember to reach for the moon, if you do you may just land on a star.

I need to do this

Started working out today.  I am thankful that I have had the opportunity to get myself back up and running in the workout department.

I did my Jillian Michaels workout today and it was a great workout.  I found a workout group on Spark People and I joined the team and started today, one day off from the rest so that is fine with me.  I am also looking at going to Curves today.  I need to start working on losing weight, but the problem is getting my butt back in gear to do that.  I want to lose weight and feel great.  It is so important to me to look and feel normal again.

I have a large goal of losing over 100 lbs this year.  Which is a safe goal because it is about 2 lbs a week.  I just have to keep myself motivated so that I will finally achieve my goals.

My weight has held me back in so many things!  I wanted to be a Tupperware Consultant, and I have a mental block that no one wants to have a party with me because I am fat.  I have found that I let others run me over because I will not stick up for myself because of my weight.  I am so unhappy.  It has caused me to develop Sleep Apnea.  I also have found that I just feel I am no one and I don't matter because of my weight.  It is terrible to feel this way.

I want to be happy again, I miss being happy.  I want to feel confident again, but I have not felt that way in a long time.  I want to shop at a normal store, and not have to buy my clothes from special stores any more.  I want to feel that I am not worthless, that people are not staring at me because I am fat.  I want to feel like I am beautiful again.  I want to feel that people are not making fun of me.

I also know that if I want to have any more children I need to lose weight.  My body can not handle any more weight, I need to lose weight before thinking about having more children.

I need to stay motivated I need to work hard.  I know that I can do it, I need to do it so I can feel like myself again, like I deserve to be alive.

Wonderful little blessings in a day

It has been such a great day today.  I am very thankful for the fact that it was nice enough outside that Ty and I got go outside and clean up the yard, and play for a little while.

I also talked to Brian about getting the Magic Bullet.  I have 2 have 2 surgeries, and I have goals set to lose weight, so I am going to be going to start concentrating on eating healthier.  I made a delicious smoothie today, so that was so worth the purchase.

I have a clean living room, that feels so welcoming to me.  It has been such a long time since I have had a clean room that is inviting and warm.  The toys are picked up and I am getting ready to sit down and watch Desperate Housewives before going to bed.

I have had such a great day, and I am so thankful that I am able to start off my week this way.  I am planning on going to Curves tomorrow, which is going to kick off my work outs, and get myself back on track with that.  I am very excited to go to curves again.

I have a good friend that works out at Ballys and I am also looking at joining there, I think both is going to be a good combination to get me moving.  I am planning on going to Ballys tomorrow to get more information.

I am looking forward to more wonderful days like this

New Years Resolution

The other day I got a phone call from a friend.  She was concerned because she heard of a house fire on my mother's street.  Luckily it was far enough away from my mother's house that I did not have to worry about something happening to my parents home.

When I got home and saw the fire on the news, I was sad for the family.  They were a young family, and their oldest daughter had a 3 month old child.  I know that one of my biggest fears that I have is the fact that I want to teach my children the value of waiting until they are married before having sex.  I hate seeing that there are so many young people that are in the news that are having babies.

I was also sad because I knew that this family was renting the house so they had to start over.  They said that they do not have renters insurance, which is so important, because  they have to start over.  With the economy the way that it is it is difficult to get things going and started, and they have a long road ahead of them.

In my every day life I have noticed that I am longing for so many different material possessions, they are possessions that we would all love to have.  A larger home, better things.  After hearing stories like that, I have started thinking that maybe I just need to start focusing on what I have.  Being grateful that we have a house.  Our children have plenty of clothes and toys and food to eat.  We have 2 cars that run just fine.  We are blessed, God has given us so much.

Being blessed in the material possessions is wonderful, we are not hurting for anything.  Now I am longing to be blessed with the love, with the feeling of self worth.  Finding the blessing that I am a special child of God and God has a wonderful plan for me.  I want to be someone that has a pure heart.  I want to live out his beatitudes.

I have decided that my New Years Resolution is to find the beatitudes that are out there, and find a way that I can start to simply incorporate them into my daily life with simple, small changes.

Good By Christmas Things

I love Christmas time, however, I can only take so much of my house being out of sorts.  Toys everywhere, which I  am so grateful that my children are fortunate for receiving, however, now I have the task of finding everything a home.

Tonight I took everything down.  I still have to put all of my pictures up and my things back up, but I have my little trinkets out, but other than that I have everything back to the way that I want it.

Christmas is such a wonderful time of the year, however, I have found that it has lost some of its meaning for me lately.  I feel that I am constantly having to run here or there, and the pressure of making sure that everyone is happy is becoming more and more difficult.  I want to love the holiday, to see what a wonderful time of year it is again, instead of stress, craziness and crabbiness.

To help put the focus back on the wonderful gift of giving I am setting a goal for myself of going through all of the toys that the boys no longer play with and put them together and give them away.  I want the boys to come with me and see what it feels like to help other people.

Welcome 2009

As I am sure that so many others are, they are blogging about 2008 and the good and bad, I am going to do the same.  2008 was a good and a bad year at the same time.  Looking back, I would say that over all, I am so glad that it is gone.

The Bad - Glad to see it go!
Gas prices soared, making things really tight around here.  We did not do much because we just did not want to have to pay for gas.
I found out the hard way that people who I thought were my friends, really were not my friends
I gained over 40 lbs.
I was diagnosed with PCOS
I found out that I am going to have to go in for 2 surgeries one in January and the other in April.
I was in a head on car accident, everything is ok

The Good
Tyler started Preschool, and loves it.  He is doing so well
Nathan turned 1 and is such a big boy
My beautiful Niece was born
My beautiful cousin was born
Tyler finally potty trained, and it was easy
Brian started being able to work from home, saving money on gas
I got to spend some more time with some of my friends who have lost touch with
I joined the PECPTA, and met some new friends

I look forward to 2009, I know that I have learned so much about myself.  I have a lot of different things that I need to work on.  I am going in for my first surgery on the 16.  I know that I want to focus on my children more this year, but most importantly I am going to am going to focus on myself, finding myself and finally losing the weight, feeling better about myself, and knowing that I am not a bad person. 

Welcome 2009!