It's Been a while

The past couple of months I have got away from everything, and I have noticed, that a few things were missing.  One was the church, so my lenten promis to myself was to make church a priority again in my life.  I did that.  I started to go weekly.  Not only that, but I am bringing my 4 year old son as well to get him into the wonderful habit of going weekly to church.
I have to admit there are times I want to give up, and I wish I would have started taking him sooner.  I am glad that he joins me and that for the most part he is so good while we are there.
I have also got away from my blogs.... and I miss them.  I am looking for the best way to get back into blogging, and I decided that there is no better time or day than today.

 

My son on the 1st Day of school

Today is going to be bitter sweet for me.  My son will be "graduating" from preschool.  Yes he will be going again next year, but it means that he will have finished his first year of school.  Looking back I remember the weeks leading up to the first day being so scared that he would not want to go.  He loved it from the first day!  I came the first day for his open house, and we walked in and he asked me why I was coming in with him.  He transistioned so well.
Now his school year has come to an end.  He will have an ice cream social to end out the year.  I am so proud of him.  He is doing great with starting to write his name and everything he should be doing.  I am also grateful that he has one more year of preschool...  I know that this will help him so he does wonderful and grows as the next year approaches!

The red shirt was from 08.  The green shirt is 09

I also started him in soccer last year.  We spent almost the entire year begging him to play on the field.  Most of the time when he finally got on the field he would sit and pick flowers and the grass.  This year is completely different.  He is participating the entire game.  He only comes in for a drink when the coaches tell him to.  He has even scored goals in a few games.  What a difference a year makes.  I am so very proud of him and everything that he has done this year. 
Tonight is his last soccer game.  I am going to be sad to see the season end.  I am grateful that all of the kids get trophies in this league.  As they get older they sould only get the trophies when they are winners.  I don't think that every person should get one.  But I do have to say at the younger ages of 3 , 4, and 5 as they are learning they should have positive re-inforcement and that is what the trophy will do for them.

Today is going to be so different.  My son is growing up so fast.  I can remember the shy little boy who would never leave mommy's side, and now he is growing up.  Playing with other kids and starting to become a little person who is slowly starting to not need his mommy any more.  It is wonderful to see the confidence that I have given to him.  See how he is developing his own little personality.  It is also difficult to realise that every year he is going to need me less and less!

Prayer

Looking at myself I have chosen this Lenten season to focus my energy on prayer.  I am working on adding additional time to my day to pray.  Finding ways to slow down the fast pace of my life, and take the time to enjoy all of the blessings that I have around me.

I am praying for so many things, but the focus is the strength to continue to work out and change my life.  This is a change that is much needed and very hard to do.  While the basic end result will be losing weight and getting to a weight that I am comfortable with, I am also looking to focus on something more.  I am using this focus on helping me be able to push though all of the difficult parts and times in my life, and use the power of prayer to focus on the strength that I need to achieve any goals that I have that will be difficult.

I have seen that when you are going through a tough time and turn away from God it makes everything more difficult.  I have taken a different approach, and that is to do something completely different and that is to focus on prayer and turning to God when things are starting to become more difficult in my life.  I have found when I take the time to focus and allow God to be there with me and help guide me something amazing happens, I find that I feel stronger and that I can make it through.

Prayer is an amazing part of my life and I have recently seen all of the most difficult tasks, when I pray become more bearable.  That does not mean that they become easier, they are just more bearable for me to deal with.  I have figured out for me that opening up myself, not setting expectations, and realizing that God will be there and help you, when you open up your life to prayer.  This was the most difficult lesson that I had to learn!

I am taking the time to find the different ways to open my heart, mind and soul to prayer.  Finding different times during the day to stop and pray.  Not only during the wonderful times, but also the difficult times.  I am finding ways to thank God for the wonderful gifts around me and ask God for help when the situation gets tough.  Recently I am also praying for his guidance and to allow the Holy Spirit to come and help bless me with the wonderful gift of Patience.  This is one gift that I need the most help with.

I have found in my life, opening up my life to prayer is one of the most difficult and yet the single most rewarding experience that I have ever had.

Lent

I have been thinking about my faith alot lately.  With so many big changes in my life, I have just reciently looked back and found that there has been one constant, and a constant that I have to admit that I have been ignoring, and that is God!  

God has been there to hold my hand through all that I did not understand.  God has been there to help me understand that things happen so that I was not making the bad choices, and help to make me strong to realise that the right choices were not the easy choices, they were the difficult choices.

With the upcoming lent I have been praying alot.  As a catechist I have always taught my class that they needed to give up something for lent, or do something to improve their lives.  I have seen many differnet posts about people giving up candy and Facebook and other social media for lent.

I then started to think about what I wanted to do.  I could give up a food, that would be easy, however, how would that make me closer to God?  I could give up Facebook, but then I realised that for that to be truely effective, I would need to replace that time that I was on the computer with something else, but what.

I have noticed through my class that so many of us take the easy way out, we refuse to challenge ourselves, and stop relying on God when things stop going our way.  Those are the times that we need to stop relying on other things and start relying on God more!

That is when I decided that giving up candy or chocolate was not the right answer for me.  I also realised that giving up Facebook was not the answer, but I had no clue what was the answer, until last night.  

I am a catechist of a confirmation class.  This is a difficult year, especially since these students are trying to grow up in so many ways, and now we are forcing them to do what we feel is right, and many of them just do it because that is what is expected, not because they want to be in the class.  Every year we go to a retreat, before confirmation.  At the retreat 2 high school students come to talk.

In the talk, one of the students made me realise that we have so much that we need to be thankful for.  Just because we don't have the best of everything does not mean anything.  She spoke of going and getting to know the homeless and feeding them, and said one thing that shocked me, they have more than we do.  They have a strong beilef in God, something that so many of us who are fortunate do not have.

That is why I have decided that I am not going to give up anything for lent.  This year I am going to do somethign new.  I am going to start praying more.  I am going to start relying on God more.  I am going to start talking to God more.  I always believed that he knows all so he knows what is going on in my life, but I am going to start telling him like he is a friend.

This year I am going to open my heart and my head as far as I can to talk to God and listen.  I am going to pray that his spirit can help guide me in the difficult times.  I am going to believe that God is there for me and is going to continue to bless me, though everything.  Knowing that there are times that might be hard, but that is so that I can learn to love and rely on him more.

I am going to challenge my students to do the same thing.  Giving up something for lent is great, but asking for help is better.  I have decided that the one gift of the spirit that I need more is patience, and I am going to ask that God can help bless me and guide me so that I can be open to patience that he has to help me out!

Snow

So far today, I have been taking it one day at a time.  It is so cold and snowy outside, it is crazy.  I think that the snow is pretty for a day or two, then I am ready to have it go away.  I know that it happens every year, but getting everyone sick is just rediculous.  I am so sick of taking care of sick people.  I just want to move somewhere warmer.

With that being said, I know that it does not mean that it is going to stop being so cold if we move anywhere, it is just something that I look at and think it could be possible, right?  I know that snow is a good thing, and that there is a reason for everything.  I just look at just how cold it is.  How much snow we have.  How I have to keep my children locked up in the house, because of the wind chill.  It is not a good situation.

I am also praying for all of the little kids in my neighborhood, and all over that have to walk to school in this weather.  There are not school buses because of the lack of money in the system.  Therefore, they have to walk because most parents can't take them- for what ever reason- maybe because they have to work.  It is so cold, that letting my dog out, I freeze.  I can not imagine being a child and having to walk to school in this weather.

I have alot of elderly neighbors who do not shovel the sidewalk, so they either have to walk trough the snow which is about waste deep for a child, or they have to walk in the street which is not safe with the traffic, and the fact that the roads are not completely cleared so they have people slipping and sliding everywhere.

I know that some of the elderly in the neighborhood have had getting out to shovel.  It is very high, and heavy, if they go out to shovel, which about half of them will...  They are putting their lives at risk.

Snow is beautiful and so dangerous!

Surgery

I know that there is a reason for everything.  The problem that I have is the fact that I am struggling understanding why, when I have been so healthy, I am now being hit with so many different health problems.  I understand that most of the problems have to do with my weight.  The question that I have, is how to lose all of this extra weight.

I hate being bigger, and I wish that there was something that I can do about it and finally lose the weight and get back to a normal size.  I hope and pray to keep strong during this process.  I know that one of the biggest virtues that I am lacking is patience.  I see that with my children, I see that with my husband, and I see it in the hundreds of failed attempts to lose weight.  I get frustrated by the lack of results, and basically start to give up.

Here is a picture of me from my honey moon almost 7 years ago!

Yes I thought that I was fat, but looking at this picture, I looked good.

Here is a picture of me from New Years Day this year

Other than the hair color there is a big difference, over 100 lb difference.  I need to do something about this, but every year so far I have said that I am going to do something about it, and end up gaining more weight.  How is 2009 going to be different?

I know that one of the ways is the fact that I will have these surgeries that I know will help.  I am also working on setting up some good habits, that hopefully will become life long habits.  

I want to lose the weight, but I have wanted that in the past.  I want to feel good, and again I have wanted that in the past.  How can I change everything and become my old size again?

Finding Yourself

Looking around there is so much that I see.  I like to observe others.  I hate hurting others, yet I have let others run me over and not take care of myself.  This is not a good feeling.  I know that there has to be something that I can do to change my life around.

I know that I need to find a way to stick up for myself with out taking away the true me.  I know that is not going to be easy.  I have always had people running over me and that is something that has caused me to have many difficult years.

Now it is the time to change my life.  Now is the time for me to finally realize that I deserve so much more.  I am a good person, and through prayer I have seen that.  I deserve to be treated well, I just have to believe that I am the person that I say I am.

I know that changing my life needs to start with me.  I need to start with what I am doing.  I have started taking care of myself.  I am exercising, and eating right.  That is the first and most important step that I need to take to change my life.

The time is now to change your life, if you are not happy, what is stopping you?

Remember to reach for the moon, if you do you may just land on a star.

I need to do this

Started working out today.  I am thankful that I have had the opportunity to get myself back up and running in the workout department.

I did my Jillian Michaels workout today and it was a great workout.  I found a workout group on Spark People and I joined the team and started today, one day off from the rest so that is fine with me.  I am also looking at going to Curves today.  I need to start working on losing weight, but the problem is getting my butt back in gear to do that.  I want to lose weight and feel great.  It is so important to me to look and feel normal again.

I have a large goal of losing over 100 lbs this year.  Which is a safe goal because it is about 2 lbs a week.  I just have to keep myself motivated so that I will finally achieve my goals.

My weight has held me back in so many things!  I wanted to be a Tupperware Consultant, and I have a mental block that no one wants to have a party with me because I am fat.  I have found that I let others run me over because I will not stick up for myself because of my weight.  I am so unhappy.  It has caused me to develop Sleep Apnea.  I also have found that I just feel I am no one and I don't matter because of my weight.  It is terrible to feel this way.

I want to be happy again, I miss being happy.  I want to feel confident again, but I have not felt that way in a long time.  I want to shop at a normal store, and not have to buy my clothes from special stores any more.  I want to feel that I am not worthless, that people are not staring at me because I am fat.  I want to feel like I am beautiful again.  I want to feel that people are not making fun of me.

I also know that if I want to have any more children I need to lose weight.  My body can not handle any more weight, I need to lose weight before thinking about having more children.

I need to stay motivated I need to work hard.  I know that I can do it, I need to do it so I can feel like myself again, like I deserve to be alive.