Choosing the way to live your life

Over the past couple months I have looked at the way I have lived my life.  The one thing that I have seen is that I am just not happy.  I have noticed that the best time in my life and the times that I am the most confident is when I have lived my life in a way that I live out my faith.

I have noticed that I, like Peter have denied Jesus in my faith many times.  Not necessarily in my words, but more my actions.  By missing mass, or doing things to become part of the in crowd, even though there is a gut feeling that it is just not the road I should be taking.

It is difficult to think that this is the way that I want to live my life.  The hardest times, the times of hardship and the times of doubt.  The times of pain are the times that I have not lived in a manor that I see fitting, a manor that I find to fit within my faith.

In the past I have felt that people would judge me and people would not want to get to know me because of my faith.  I have chosen the road that is highly traveled.  The road that would, in my opinion, win me friends.  The problem with this road is the fact that it is a road that leads to hurt and leads to pain.  It is a road that does not allow me to truly and fully be myself.

I have hidden my faith and pushed back that part of me with the fear that people would see it and hate me, or judge me.  I would make decisions that was against my faith because I felt that it would be better for people to see me that way.

Now looking back I feel that those decisions made people doubt me.  It made my actions look fake and made people question me and what I was saying and what I was doing.  It made me look like a person that could not be trusted, and instead of making friends, it caused me to lose friends.

Now I want to embrace my faith, and the fact that God will allow me to do this is amazing.  I can go to confession and talk to a priest and know that I am forgiven, for I am truly sorry, and know that God still loves me and will guide me to living the live that I am meant to live.

I know that this is a life that will be hard, but I know that by making my decisions based on my faith and my love of Jesus will help me to make decisions to change my life, and help me to feel confident that I am going to be happy. 

I know that I can not change the past, but I have learned a awesome lesson, a lesson that will help me to change my life and live it the way that I want to live my life.  I can live my life in a way that I can make the best decisions that will change me and help me to grow in faith.

This is not the easiest change to make, but it is a change that will help me to be confident that I will find Jesus.  I feel confident that people will look at me and know that I am who I say I am and that My faith is so important to me

My Prayer Today

Today Lord I Pray for

My eyes to be open to see your great work

My ears to be ready to listen to your quiet whispers

My mouth to speak only words that will reflect my love of you

My heart to love all that you have given me in my life

 My hands to be ready to do your will

My soul to be child-like to trust that you are with me today.

Amen

Trusting the Vine of God

Yesterday while at mass I heard one of the most inspirational and moving sermons that I have ever heard.  This one was one that reached out and touched my heart, and was one that I can relate to all aspects of my life, and all goes back to having faith in God. 
I have always had faith in God, the problem that I have had was to be brave enough to share it with everyone.  The biggest fear that I have is the fear of being judged.  I also have had the issue of not always living my life in a way that God could be shown through, or even that I could be proud of.
A trip to Tennessee had shown me how God can change my life.  Seeing the work that he had done in a friend was the first important step I needed.  When you see someone on a different level and see the little seeds you know that God is at work.
Then it all came together yesterday at mass.  The parable came up of a woman walking through the woods and she hears a growl coming from behind her, so she turns around and finds Tigers.  She runs but finds herself at the edge of a cliff.  When she looks down she sees a vine, and starts to climb down.  As she is climbing she hears a growl from underneath her.  When she looks down she sees another pack of tigers.  She stops where she is but then starts hearing little scratching sounds from above and sees mice gnawing at the vine.  Faced with all of this she looks around and finds wild strawberries around her and chooses to take the moment to enjoy a strawberry.
I find myself in this situation so many times.  I have tried to scramble and throw strawberries up, or down.  Tried to scare the mice.  While it may work for a few minutes, the tigers and the mice always come back.  I have failed to do the one thing that is so important... trust in the vine.  I need to take the step back and learn how to trust in the vine and know that the strength of the vine is the strength that I need to live my life. 
Once you learn to trust in the vine that is when you will find the strawberries, and that the strawberries become more and more plentiful.  Seeing the strawberries, and then learning how to enjoy them is the key to learning how to live a life with Jesus and how to be completely happy.
I have challenged myself to start living my life.  I have challenged myself to stop trying to do what I think others want me to do.  I have challenged myself to stop being the person that I was and hated, and take that little light that I loved and start living that as my life.  Trusting in God, and knowing that he is there.  Trusting that during the times when I feel that I am going to fall, that God will be my strength.  Finding the tigers and the mice in my life and doing what I can to eliminate them if possible.  Knowing that there will always be tigers and mice, but knowing that my faith is what is needed to keep me strong.

Morning Changes With Jury Duty

Being a mother is not easy.  But being a stay at home mother I find being very difficult.  I have been blessed to be selected for Jury duty, and it has been a very different for me in the morning. 

My normal routine is nice.  I get up at 5:15am.  I get ready and go run at the gym, or do some sort of work out.  Then I come home and stretch and take on my morning with my children.  I take a shower after breakfast and then go play with my children.  Some where in the day I find the time to not only play with my children, but plan and fix dinner, clean the house do the laundry and go to the store when neccessary. 

I was then thrown a wrentch into my plan with having to get up early and do a completely different routine.  I did not want to give up my morning workouts, they are the biggest and best part of my day.  I start out with my work out, but get home and squeeze in some housework.  Then battle getting into a shower and getting my kids out of bed.

Getting ready for Jury duty is much like having to get out of the house if you are a working mother I have found.  It is not easy.  I can tell that mornings can be stressful.  I am so grateful that I am organized and made sure that I had everything I needed done before I went to bed.  I did not have to run around and find clothes or pack a lunch.

I love having some time to myself to get some things done.  It is nice to have the quiet that I am not used to, however it is boring to not have my children around.  I miss playing with them and going outside.  I take walks with my mother a couple of days a week, which are a wonderful way to connect with her and I have not been able to do that either.

I am also very surprised how tiring it is just sitting around all day.  I get home and I just don't want to do anything.  I was more tired my first day of sitting around than the days I get up work out, take my kids to the zoo and do things.

To me it is just amazing just how tired I am from just sitting around.  I miss my mornings of sitting and cuddling with my children.  I know that it is important to do what I am doing, and I pray that I will also get to experience the court room and a trial.

Stressful Days

I look around me and I feel just so blessed.  I have a roof over my head.  Food to cook with.  A wonderful family.  A dog and cat.  I am blessed to be able to go the gym and go work out.  What more can I ask for?

I look around and see beauty everywhere and it is so wonderful.  Then out of no where comes the stress. 

I love my children, but I know when they are tried and those are the days when I know it is time for naps.  Those are the days that my children refuse to take naps, and there it starts.  The crying, the whining, the days that I want to either start drinking or just get my running shoes on.

Listening to my 4 year old say over and over my mommy does not like me because I let him know that something he wants has been taken away because of his refusal to take a nap, makes me want to cry, but I also know that I have to stay strong! 

These are the days I know that I need to call upon the Lord and ask for his help.  The days that I fall to my knees to start saying a Hail Mary and pray that she can help me as only a mother can.  I love my children more than life itself.  I also know that I need to have patience with them, especially during the days that are difficult.

 

I look at the sky and the beauty that I have found around me and use that to reach out to, knowing that I need as much help as I possibly can get so that I find the patience that is inside of me so I can be the best mother possible.

Believe it or not It will work out

The past two years has been very difficult for me.  On and off things seem to happen that have made my life very difficult.  I know that it is not something that I did, I know that some of it happened and there is nothing that I could to to stop it from happening. 

The amount of emotions and feelings that I had been going through was unbelieveable.  Some days were good days, others were terrible.  I had days that would start out good and then turn bad, and days that would start out terrible and end up ok.

The emotions were wearing me thin.  Now that I am at a place, I finally can look back at everything and see that there is a reason that everything happened.  I can look back and realise that the path I was on was not the best path for me to be on, and that I needed to change directions in my life, or I would be truely unhappy. 

I know that there was no worse feeling, than the feeling of being hopeless, like your entire world was going to collapse around you.  I know that there were times that I wondered if I would make it through the week or even the day.

Struggling like that has made me realise that things happen, for a reason.  That I now have learned how to make better decisions and know that when it comes to people and things, that you will always find out who your true friends are. 

Now I know that when I start out a day or a week feeling hopeless, that sometimes the best thing to do is to stop and take a step back.  That those times are the times that by taking the road less traveled and knowing that it might not be pleasant, but it is probably for the best reason in the world!

It's Been a while

The past couple of months I have got away from everything, and I have noticed, that a few things were missing.  One was the church, so my lenten promis to myself was to make church a priority again in my life.  I did that.  I started to go weekly.  Not only that, but I am bringing my 4 year old son as well to get him into the wonderful habit of going weekly to church.
I have to admit there are times I want to give up, and I wish I would have started taking him sooner.  I am glad that he joins me and that for the most part he is so good while we are there.
I have also got away from my blogs.... and I miss them.  I am looking for the best way to get back into blogging, and I decided that there is no better time or day than today.

 

My son on the 1st Day of school

Today is going to be bitter sweet for me.  My son will be "graduating" from preschool.  Yes he will be going again next year, but it means that he will have finished his first year of school.  Looking back I remember the weeks leading up to the first day being so scared that he would not want to go.  He loved it from the first day!  I came the first day for his open house, and we walked in and he asked me why I was coming in with him.  He transistioned so well.
Now his school year has come to an end.  He will have an ice cream social to end out the year.  I am so proud of him.  He is doing great with starting to write his name and everything he should be doing.  I am also grateful that he has one more year of preschool...  I know that this will help him so he does wonderful and grows as the next year approaches!

The red shirt was from 08.  The green shirt is 09

I also started him in soccer last year.  We spent almost the entire year begging him to play on the field.  Most of the time when he finally got on the field he would sit and pick flowers and the grass.  This year is completely different.  He is participating the entire game.  He only comes in for a drink when the coaches tell him to.  He has even scored goals in a few games.  What a difference a year makes.  I am so very proud of him and everything that he has done this year. 
Tonight is his last soccer game.  I am going to be sad to see the season end.  I am grateful that all of the kids get trophies in this league.  As they get older they sould only get the trophies when they are winners.  I don't think that every person should get one.  But I do have to say at the younger ages of 3 , 4, and 5 as they are learning they should have positive re-inforcement and that is what the trophy will do for them.

Today is going to be so different.  My son is growing up so fast.  I can remember the shy little boy who would never leave mommy's side, and now he is growing up.  Playing with other kids and starting to become a little person who is slowly starting to not need his mommy any more.  It is wonderful to see the confidence that I have given to him.  See how he is developing his own little personality.  It is also difficult to realise that every year he is going to need me less and less!